Stop Trying To Control The Uncontrollable

Controlling means that we can, through our thoughts, emotions and actions, modify some aspect of the object of control in a directed way. If we control something, we have power over it and we can decide its course.

We all wish we could control the world around us, but the truth is, there are very few things we can have that power over. On a research level, this is nothing new and we are aware of it, but on an emotional level, we forget very easily… something that causes us a certain discomfort.

We generally  don’t tolerate uncertainty very well, as well as frustration when the expectations we’ve placed on something aren’t met the way we’d like. The truth is, it’s quite unpleasant when this happens, and it’s also sometimes disturbing not to know what’s going to happen in a given situation.

What can I control?

In the outside world, nothing. In yourself, your whole being, just like that. This reality makes us free and quiet if we are living and believing in it. There are a multitude of stressful or regrettable problems and circumstances, and it’s normal to get emotional when this happens. The emotions that arise in the event of a threat or loss are totally normal and help us deal with the problem in our lives.

When your emotions, on the contrary, become too intense, frequent or lasting, it is because something is missing in your “internal software”. It’s probably because you’re trying to control the uncontrollable. You are probably telling yourself that things had to be the other way, exactly the way you would like….  and that way of thinking ultimately makes you frustrated, because things aren’t like that just because we want them to be.

As we mentioned,  we can control our way of seeing the world and try to change it, as no one can enter our thinking.  However, it is totally absurd to pretend that what is external, what surrounds us, is from another world.

Tolerate uncertainty and frustration

To be psychologically healthier, it is helpful to learn to tolerate uncertainty and frustration. Uncertainty comes when we’re faced with something and we’re not sure what’s to come. Some people react with anxiety in the face of uncertainty, because they “prepare” if what is to come is something frightening or dangerous.

In this way, they put into practice the strategy of continuous concern. The thing is , no matter how much we care about something, it’s not going to stop whatever happens in the end. 

We end up with frustration, that feeling that comes when our expectations are not met. We expect life, others and even ourselves to react according to certain rules that we invented ourselves, so we get upset, get depressed and get anxious.

Steps to get out of control

Some steps you can take to get out of control and tolerate the feeling of uncertainty that surrounds you are:

• Accept and tolerate that certainties and sureties do not exist : in this world, the only thing we can be sure of is that someday we will die, but nothing else. We can’t be absolutely sure that our partner loves us and will never leave us, let alone whether we’re going to get sick or whether we’ll be successful in our field of work.
• Even if we put a lot of effort into something, that doesn’t mean we’ll succeed: the truth is that we’ll get better results according to the way we do things, but that’s not always the case, as the world is unfair by definition. For this reason, it is better to forget about the results and focus our attention on enjoying what we do,  no matter what may happen in the future.

• Forget strict rules about yourself, others and the world:  nothing, or almost nothing, will turn out exactly as we want. Getting upset, depressed, or anxious about what is out of our control is a waste of energy and time.
• Take responsibility for yourself : the good news is that you can control yourself, so start doing it now. Reality can be looked at from many angles, and you can also strive to be a little more flexible and stop caring so much about everything. All this, of course, without reaching a state of disinterest… which is actually another way of being controlled by fear.