The 5 Keys To A Good Emotional Contract

A good emotional contract is based on a genuine commitment to ourselves. If you don’t love yourself, break it. If you feed on the wages of manipulation and toxicity, that contract is also damaged. We have to learn to be good stewards of our lives and the delicate universe of emotions.

We understand the word “contract” as an agreement between two parties who undertake to offer something and receive something else in return. However, in the emotional world this operation is much more intimate. We talk about these basic agreements that we must make with ourselves to survive, to defend our dignity and fight for our happiness.

If we look at the issue of emotional contracts, we find that many of us have already accepted and assumed contracts based on inequality. Some of them have their origins in our childhood. There are children who have unjustly assumed the fulfillment of “not being loved”. Therefore, sometimes they advance towards maturity, dragging the worst commitment of all: that of not loving themselves.

In our love relationships we also seal implicit agreements where, almost without realizing it, we end up stuck. We assume an affective contract where the clause of manipulation, selfishness and contempt is signed without knowing it, with the unconsciousness of a blind love full of hope.

All of them are painful and complex dimensions that must be confronted with a good emotional contract that will guarantee our dignity and our full right to fight to be happy. We propose a reflection on 5 of your keys.

The good emotional contract must not be violated

A good emotional contract requires, above all, commitment, courage, and a clear willingness to start being who we really are. It may appear that these dimensions are easy to implement. However, they are not at all: the points of this contract are as delicate as they are complex.

They are as follows.

1. A good emotional contract sometimes requires breaking other emotional contracts

The legacy of our family system is full of unrevoked commitments that we unconsciously make. Although we see our roots as a unit, as a valuable network formed by our parents, siblings, cousins ​​and uncles, there are components that perhaps we should break free from.

• We have to take into account that even today we are still obeying our primitive brain. It is he who tells us that message of “if we leave the clan, we will not survive”.

• Furthermore, on certain occasions it is necessary to break certain bonds, with certain lineages. If our father, mother, or other family member has entered into an emotional contract based on pain, fear, or selfish imposition, it is time to put an end to it.

2. Love yourself above all else

Self-esteem is what will give us the indelible ink to seal the best contract of all: that of inner strength, self-defense, self-love…

• However, there are many people who go through life broken inside. Secretly wounds. Intimately fragmented.

• We have to keep in mind that when a person does not love himself, he seeks the support and recognition of others.

• Do not do this. Remember that when we put our lives in charge of others, we lose everything, and this is the worst contract we can ever sign.

Love yourself.  Love yourself above all else. Only those who love themselves are worthy of being loved.

3. The emotional contract requires agreements with those around us

Living is reaching agreements, establishing limits, defending spaces and harmonizing your universe with mine. We are souls forced to live with each other, to build happiness in common spaces, so agreements are necessary.

A good emotional contract is done assertively. We must make our needs clear while also knowing how to respect the thoughts, desires and values ​​of others.

• A good deal is done with a sincere heart that defends itself and, in turn, is intuitive enough to choose the best option.

Self-affirmation is an attitude and behavior that we should practice every day  as someone who follows a proper diet and practices sports. Saying “yes” without fear and “no” without guilt is much more than a necessary exercise in mental health and survival.

It is part of our emotional contract, it is a fundamental commitment that will allow us to create more respectful environments to be much happier.

5. Don’t be your own enemy

We know how to recognize external predators, those who hurt us, those who violate us. However, we don’t always have the same facility to detect someone who can act as a terrible enemy: ourselves.

A good emotional contract requires the following:

• Accept yourself, your greatness, your faults, your virtues and every mistake you make.

• May your excuses not put you in the season of lost dreams. 

• You are deserving of everything you want.

• Remember that you are no less than anyone else and no one is better than you.

• Stop sabotaging yourself.  You are responsible for your life and should end with the “I can’t”, “I’m not capable”, “never mind”, “this is not for me”.

As we can see, the clauses of this emotional contract are not always easy to follow. However, it is essential that we sign it, that we honor it with the beautiful commitment to care and love ourselves. Doing this is not an act of selfishness, it is the breath of dignity and the foundation of happiness.